When I was Pregnant with Tenney... Chad and I were sitting in church one day in back of a family with a very mad toddler. The family wasn't handling the child like I thought was appropriate.. and I remember leaning over to Chad and saying that:
" Our children will never act like that."
The Lord knew I needed to be humbled after making such a statement.. and I was given 3 very wonderful and amazing spirits that did NOT like to sit through church.
Since then... I avoid making any such harsh statements that I know will come back to bite me.
When Tenney was a baby... I read 2 really good books from Sister Marjorie Pay Hinckley.
They were " Glimpses" and " Letters."
Marjorie Pay Hinckley was then the Wife of our Prophet Gordon B. Hinckley.
As I read the books.. I was amazed at how much good parenting advice she gave.
Some of the things really stuck with me.. and hearing her daughter speak once at a RS activity -- even helped me more.
As I have made decisions in the almost 11 years I have been as a parent.. I always think:
What would Mom and Dad do?
What would my Grandma's do?
or
What would Sister Hinckley do?
Asking myself with those 3... usually gave me an answer.. along with prayer.
Because of course.. I couldn't do anything without the help of the Lord.
*****
My Tenney is almost 11 years old.
Tenney has always been a very easy and pleasing child.
She has never even liked us to be mad at her... so once again.. I presumed that life would be soo easy parenting this Angel child.
Somewhere in this last year ( at the age of 10 ) I was talked back to one day by this really good girl.. and I was in horror-shock.
Since that one day... I officially have a pre-teen.
She is an amazing, wonderful and beautiful girl.. and I am thankful for her everyday.
But... I have to always be prepared.
We now have more drama, emotions, and opinions.
And I prefer to not be at war with these things....
so I am trying my very best to " Handle with care" each day.
We decided as parents that when our girls were 8 years old ( age of accountability ) that they could choose whether to have their ears pierced or not. I felt that they should be able to make the choice for themselves.. and that they should also be old enough to take care of them.
It worked out great with Tenney.. and it is giving Mary something else to look forward to on her 8th birthday.
I told my girls that they could not wear make-up until they were 12 years old.
( except for Halloween and Dance Performances.)
A couple of months ago.. I found mascara on Tenney one day after school.
I was not a happy mama.
When I quickly questioned why she had this on... she gave the ever so popular answer of:
" Mom.. all of my friends are wearing it.. and their mom's don't care! "
Please MOM!
I didn't care. I told her "No. Not until you are 12."
After a few weeks.. I found out she was sneaking it to school.
This made me more mad than ever.
I don't want my kids to be "sneaking."
We had a talk.
The whole day I kept thinking back to Sister Hinckley's advice to only say "No" when you really have to.
~ And I do say NO way to much.
And maybe over things that don't really matter.
We had a talk. A good talk. As she told me all of her feelings.. I told her that I remembered having blond eye lashes and wanting color too.
I told her that I hate to see her grow up too fast-- and I told her that she was beautiful and didn't even need to wear it when she turns 12 -- because she is so naturally pretty.
But.. she kept on fighting me.
And.. then.. I felt to trust her.
So.. we compromised.
I told her.. ONLY Mascara and lip gloss. If I see any eye shadow or blush.. or lipstick before she is 12.. then it all goes away.
All of it.
She agreed... and it feels good that we both talked it out and made the decision together.
*****
It has been very interesting at how many family members and ward members have been so very harsh and judgmental to me about my decision.
What I have heard the past few months.
" Wow... your letting Tenney wear make-up? My daughters will not until they are 16."
" Tenney looks like she is 16 "
" Is your Mother letting you wear Make-up already?" ( said to me and T )
" Your mom is letting you grow up too fast."
Rather than sit and try to explain to every woman that has made this statement to us.. about the fact that I want to have an honest relationship with my daughter.. or that this is a battle I chose not to fight over... I just let them sit and judge.
I admit.. I makes me sad that we all judge each other as parents so much.
Do any of us REALLY ever know what we are doing?
All I know is I was a very rebellious Teenager.. and I feel fortunate to remember many of the things that I "felt" back when I thought life was so unfair and unjust.. so I am going to continue to do my best each day as a parent...to love my children and look to the people I have felt were good examples.. and take everything to the Lord in Prayer.
I have an amazing, beautiful and good daughter.
I am grateful for the example she is of good to others.. and I hope that even though we may not always agree on everything.. I hope she will always feel that she can be honest and open with me.
Today I am Grateful for:
The opportunity to be a Mother 3 times.
Parenting.. that keeps us Humble
Good examples
Good children
Prayer in all things
That my Tenney still *gags* at the thought of boys.
Very, Very grateful.
22 comments:
We all want to look pretty and we teach our girls at a young age that it's important to look nice.Hard to say no!
Just for the other mothers that are so harsh, trust me all teens will lie at some point or another.For those that will say my children will never do that, oh I bet they will, I bet they have and I bet there gunna do it again.
We as parents can't control every lil thing and oh boy was that hard for me to learn. UGh! I hated it!
Your also dealing with a girl way different than a boy and you have some serious hormones going on in there as well.Not Fun!
I have three Girls 2 that are grown "wow" how did that happen and a 12 year old.
I say just be consistent with what you choose to battle with her so she knows you mean business and always have consequences with bad behavior.Which we did not have with my oldest and she still in life thinks that rules do not pertain to her and she is 21.
Trust me I have been humbled more times than I would like to admit! My Girls were perfect until they hit Yep you guessed it "11" So best of luck to you.You will pray more than ever before through these teen years trust me.~Blessings Kim
I'm so sorry you've run into nasty comments from people. We should all know better than to be so uncharitable. I think that you're an amazing mother. Every time I read what you've done to/for your children, I'm in awe. Like with Christian and cleaning the bathroom, and now this with Tenney. I wouldn't have had the brilliance to do those things. Maybe I need to read those books!!! :) And I remember wearing some gaudy blue eye shadow to school when I was about her age... everyone thought I had a black eye, but I thought I was SO beautiful. Ha!
I agree with these other two mothers. Pick your battles - in the long run lip gloss and mascara are really pretty lame and tame. You are a great mother and Tenney is a beautiful girl. it's more important that she was good self esteem than feels ugly and lying to you. I wish my parents would have given me a few more tools to help my self esteem - their rules were 14 and 16 and let me tell you how terrible and ugly I felt. It didn't help a self esteemed plagued teen.
Thanks ladies for your counsel and feedback! It's appreciated!
Dear Ann, life with adolescents is full of compromises. My oldest turnt fourteen and even if we don't have to sort out the make-up issue :-) there are a lot of other things, like staying up longer during weekdays, how long am I allowed to stay away etc. And I am always the most severe and strict mom in the whole universe! All other parents are a lot more liberal ;-)
I wrote an email to you today and once I finished it I re-read it for typos and all of a sudden must have pushed a button and everything disappeared to nirwana! I will write to you again once I have little time left! XO, Kerstin
There is a Beehive in my ward who wants to start wearing makeup SOOO badly, and her mom will not hear of it. It makes me sad for her, because I remember how I felt in 6th grade - tall, awkward, and UGLY. My mom DID allow me to experiment with makeup and begin shaving my legs, and it helped me feel a bit better about myself. I think your compromise is excellent!
A few years back, a girl in my ward was forbidden to wear any makeup until the age of 16. She was naturally quite lovely, but it was very hard on her to be pretty much the only girl who had to abide by that rule. I just didn't understand what the big deal was!
I commend you for the hard decisions and standing up with your daughter to all the judging! I agree that we need to choose our battles, some things are more a battle of wills then what is really important. We have had a few of these moments lately around here. Olivia is 11 and can't wait to turn 12. Most of our issues is the way she has been treating her siblings. Not so very nice. Plus thinking it's not a big deal if she doesn't tell me she goes shopping with her best friend and her mom when I think she is sitting at the neighbors house playing peacefully. Those are fights I am willing to have. The lip gloss and mascara that wouldn't hardly show up on my daughter, not a big deal! I conceded to the lip gloss at 8, and the colored lip gloss at 10. I believe these spirits here now have such stronger spirits then we did. They have been taught what is right, we need to trust them with what we have taught them. (To an extent!) This just shows what a great relationship you have with your daughter and you have learned from Your mistakes as a youth, and don't want your daughter to go down that path and are willing to compromise. Great job mom!!
So grateful for all of the comments and wisdom shared!
Thanks Ladies!
Oh how I remember these days Ann. Forgive me for laughing, but...you know I have four daughters and I can tell you, you really do have to pick your battles. I already know you will do great, so sit back and enjoy the ride that is 'tweens and teens'.
and remember...no matter what you go through during this time, they will always be your best buds when they become mom themselves (and before that)
sending hugs...
OH boy! Ann I am sorry that I admit to laughing a little because I am on the tail end of all the teenage drama!
With that said I absolutely and totally LOVE the teenage years but they are definately ones that s-t-r-e-t-c-h you to the max - especially the mom/daughter relationship.
You are SO SMART to pick your battles, to listen and to compromise. To many of those judgemental mothers are also quick to judge their own teens, quick to say "No" and often get major rebellion.
Brit and Kate are opposites so I got the whole range of ALL the girl issues. Boy was it fun! Tee Hee
I think you did a great job with this issue!
I think each mother knows how to parent her child the best. No one else has the inspiration or knows your child like a mother. There isn't a one size fits all. What works for another mother to me is very personal and can't be compared to every child. I noticed with my three sons that I parented them all so differently depending on the needs of each of them as an individual. I love that quote from Mother Teresa that says, "If you judge people, you have no time to love." xoxoxox
Ann, you are wise.
With everything I am/have been dealing with........I would give my kidney to have it be mascara.
Shame on the judgers.
My daughters have both dealt with that over the years too. IT DOES NOT HELP!!!
I guess what is important is that it isn't their business. It's between you and your sweet daughter.
What's the most important is that you have a relationship with her and that she can come to you.
You are doing great. There are so many things that are so much more important.
I think you made a great compromise with Tenney! I think it is the right amount of make up at her age if she is to wear it. I think you are wise to do so because you are trusting her. She is a good kid and she will not want to let you down and at the same time she feels like she is wearing make up.
It is too bad that people have to judge. No one knows how things are unless they are the ones with the situation. Every kid is different and I don't think anyone can say that it is wrong because it is not their kid.
I don't know how many times I have said my kid will never act like that. Well I think I have been taught by Ayla. I have had every situation happen to me. It all depends on the mood Ayla is in. They do have their agency and they sometimes act the way they want to but they don't get to chose the consequences. I now know that you can't say that unless you are a parent yourself because you just don't know.
Holy Hell (yes I said Hell) I hate it when parents JUDGE parents.
We are all in this difficult battle and EVERY SINGLE situation is different.
I think it is awesome that you sat with her and talked it through.
I have always felt "pick your battles"
You laid down some guidelines, and also made her feel like you understood her needs.
That will make her more willing to sit and talk with you about more issues as they come along
and Come Along THEY WILL
it's hard
I think you did well.
phoooey on all the judgey
I'll NEVER forget, EVER
an article I read in the Ensign years ago...
the ones that are written from members about personal experiences.
A father was being congratulated on having raised such a successful son who just returned from a mission.
The father said, if you are going to praise me for the success of my son, then that would mean you would have to judge and accuse me for the failure of my drug addicted daughter.
As parents, we JUST TRY OUR BEST
I don't know anything about parenting, but I know it is a difficult job. And you are doing a good job! Children are under so much pressure at school these days. They want to fit in.
Sorry for not commenting for such a long time. I havent' been at my computer a lot.
Take care,
Marianne
I love her new hair too! Make up is an easy thing to give into early. I only worry about the things to come. Good thing Tenney is such an angel or I'd be worried for your future!
I love how you "resolved" this issue with Tenney. It is a perfect example of how we should try to resolve all issues. How important is this really in the scheme of things?
Just keep smiling - but thinking "MYOB"
Teenagers bring out emotions you never new you had. I am reading Glimpses again right now. It's a good book, and Pick Your Battles is definitely good advice. In a few years you'll look in the mirror and think "where did those wrinkles come from?" Then you'll remember, you raised teenagers. You'll love it. YOU WILL. It's also quite an experience. Follow your heart, and all will be well.
I'd love to meet up with you this weekend, however my soon to be daughter inlaw is going to the temple Saturday evening. I'm guessing that's when it's all taking place.
Thaks for the invite though. I'd love to come next time!
Have a great day.
I see nothing wrong with what you did, and I'm annoyed that anyone would say something. This is coming from the girl who had bangs galore with eyeshadow, mascara, etc. When I was 11. I loved that my mom gave me agency, and I felt better. If your a blond than you understand needing mascara! It's always the dark lashed dark skin girls that don't get it. Haha :) looking forward to Kate turning 11!! Your a great mom!
I love Marjorie Hinckley's books- I need to read them again. It's funny that you should mention the, "I try not to say no, when I can say yes" quote- because that has been on my mind a ton lately! Sometimes I tell my kids "no" about the dumbest things. I am making a concentrated effort to say yes when I can. I need to let them be kids and enjoy it!
I went to a successful mothering convention, and there was a wonderful speaker named Lori Conger. She shared a piece of advice that comes to my mind often:
She reminded us that mothers are all on the same team! We've all had naughty children, sleepless nights and bad hairdays- let's build eachother up and stop judging one another. Nobody loves your children like you do, and no one can do for your children what you can.
Anyways- we are all in this together! We should be loving and encouraging one another- and although it's easy to judge, we have to try our best to not!
I was glad that my oldest of my 2 girls didn't want to wear make-up until recently. She's 14. She now wears very thick mascara and I don't think she needs it, but she feels comfortable with it. My 9 year old has no desire for any of it yet.
I remember that quote from Sis. Hinckley and it's sometimes hard for me since I guess I think my way is "right" with my kids and they just don't understand yet. :)
Okay, I've been lurking and catching up on all the posts I have missed, but I gotta comment on this one.
SO TRUE!!! Pick your battles. Let me repeat. PICK YOUR BATTLES!
If I learned anything from my own parenting it was that. And I too, love both of those books by Sister Hinckly. She is one of my greatest inspirations
PS - I can't even imagine you looking anything but beautiful regardless of makeup and pony tail : )
Post a Comment