Journaling Some Thoughts

I have had so many random thoughts going through my mind...

 I thought today was a good day to spill a few out.

 Maybe once it's written down.. it will be almost as good as therapy.

Sometimes it seems as though the more positive I try to be.. and the happier I try to make my life.. the harder it is for me.  I have always heard the phrase " The Lord will never give you more than you can handle." -- and I think.. what can I handle?  Am I being tested to that right now?

I wish we could have a vacation after a hard trial.  You know.. a rule or promise that nothing could happen to you for a certain period of time.. so you could deal with what blows you had been given.

But maybe it's these very things Trial upon Trial that = if they won't kill us.. they strengthen us.

I am tired of Trials.

I am tired of People havingto take  "Pity" on us.  I almost feel as though we are a nuisance.

 What next?

I feel like a great burden many times to friends and family with all of our woes.


** Mom's cannot be sick.
I want to stay in my Pajamas all day and do nothing but watch old movies and nurse my cold and my sad heart.  But no.  Each day I have a "major" errand to run.. and I must get dressed and out of the house to deal with the urgent things that need my attention.

I sooo wish for rest.

  And a massage.

 Is that too much to ask?

** I have been grieving for a while over blogging.
It isn't the same as it once was.. when I first started.
It was much smaller... and I made such good friends while "Journaling" my thoughts and life.

Now.. I don't hear from many of those friends.  ( Not just with comments.. but in any other way as well. ) 

I feel as though I am kinda like a "freak show" right now.  Kinda like the Truman show.
Over 300 people "tune in" each day to see how crazy and sad my life has been...

And what do they think?  Hate? Pity? Sadness?  Joy? Love?

I proclaimed to Chad the other night that I am going to go Private on my blog.

I told him:

1- I write for me.  I will continue to write each day.. and it doesn't matter if it's open to the public.. or not open.. I just won't feel so "Truman Show-ish."
2- I don't blog for money, fame, followers, giveaways, comments, or anything else.. so why not just be Private??

Chad.. being the wonderful and simple man he is... just said...
 " Look at all of the friendships you have made with it open." 

And once again.. he was right.

But my problems with friendships through blogging is.. I love people too easy.
I know I was a born lover.. and I think their is truly good in everyone. 
But.. some people I have loved much.. leave blogging.. and e-mailing.. and life on-line.. and while they are living life.. and have moved on from the virtual world.. I am still thinking of them daily.. wondering how they are.. and praying for them through the trials they must be experiencing.

Do I really want on-line friendships that much?    I have lots of real life friends..

It's sooo  hard making decisions.

I feel sad when I know my faraway friends have been in Utah visiting.. and they haven't called me to meet up. 

I feel gross sometimes when I think my ex husband and all of his family could be reading about my life daily.

I feel sad sometimes that I feel guilty documenting happy times I have had with my friends in real life---because then I have to worry about who is going to get their feelings hurt because they were not invited.

Drama seems to follow me all through life. 

I hate it.

I am still trying to figure out what to do.  But.. the decision is mine.. and that feels good.

** Speaking of Drama.... it is so sad to me.. that their has to be Drama in families during this time of mourning and grieving.  It makes me so sad that "feelings" are occurring during a time that we should all be loving each other and lifting each other up rather than tearing each other down and hurting others.  It makes me oh so sad.

** I saw the movie The Vow last week with some of my girlfriends.
LOVED Rachel McAdams.  Loved some of the movie.. hated the ending.

**I am so very grateful to all of the family members and friends that have brightened my Mom's day in some sort of way this past week.  Each token of love that has been shared with her.. has lifted her spirits.  Even though I feel great heartache losing my Grandfather... it has been more difficult to see my Mother hurting.. on top of the hurt she feels with the absence of my Father.
Life is hard.

I am a problem solver... and it kills me that I can't "fix" some things.

But... isn't it great that I know the person who can. 

It's a great and constant reminder to me -- that we must turn to the Lord in all things.

Today I am Grateful for:

A short visit and Sugar cookie from a dear friend.
Valentines Decor is put away -- thanks to good cold meds and ADD.
Breathing through my nose
True Friendships
True Love