Are you lost or Incomplete?
Do you feel like a puzzle, you can't find your missing piece?
- Coldplay
I have always believed in being real.
I have an Allergy to Fake people... and while I try to be honest in all that I say and do.. I have noticed that there have been more than a few times this year that I have had to put on a fake smile.. and try to act cheerful.. even though it's not how I TRULY feel inside.
I have been Fake -- many a times.
I made it through Thanksgiving really well... so I thought surely I could handle Christmas too.
I believe I was a little arrogant.
There has been happiness during this Christmas Season.. but there has also been a great heavy-ness as well.
I miss my Dad.
A lot.
Today.. I am going to share some of my Sad thoughts... and tomorrow.. some joy.
****
I often long to be with my Mom and siblings.. then, when we do get together... it hurts.... because it is evident that we are missing one of our favorite people.
Some people have asked me " Why don't you pretend that your Dad is just in Russia again?"
Um... it's VERY much not the same. I could CALL and talk to Dad in Russia.
There was a blessing of comfort.. because my family was not with me.
Some people when grieving -- may do things like this... but I am still struggling to figure out how to make a "new life" without Dad here. -- In a real way. No falsies.
It's soooo hard.
****
My Sister in laws Danielle and Lora made each of us a DVD with some video they took of Dad sharing some thoughts about his life, family and bearing testimony.. and then had many pictures from his life and funeral.
Last night... I had a "time out" and made myself some alone time just to see Dad and cry.
It was very therapeutic... and I am grateful to them for such a kind gift.
After the video.. I was in the Kitchen cleaning up.. and Chad came in with a Hug and an
" I love you. "
It was one of those moments that I felt an "overwhelming" sense of gratitude for Chad... that he is much like my Father with his many talents... and generous ways.
I felt grateful that I chose to be his Eternal companian.. as we have been through sooo much together... and have become closer and more in love with each other through our trials.
Before Chad left the room... he stopped and said to me: " I really miss him too."
I don't know why that brought me comfort... but it did.
I am grateful that Chad and my Dad had a great relationship.
Very grateful.
*******
I woke up to an excited Tenney Christmas morning begging to go out and see what Santa brought the Family. As I forced myself to wake up... the first thing I saw was the Chandelier my Dad gave me last year hanging over my bed.
If you have not seen that post.. you can read the story here.
I felt great warmth.
This is why I am sentimental over "things."
*****
My Dad LOVED Christmas.
Maybe not as much as his Birthday or Fathers Day.. but nevertheless.. he loved to Give... and he loved to receive... and I wish we could bottle the passion, excitement and happiness that oozed from him.
I missed him so much this Christmas.
On Christmas afternoon... our little family headed over to the cemetery to pay respects to Dad.
It was the first time we had all been there together since they had put the headstone in.
It was extra sad seeing it.
Is your name on a headstone?
Never thought this would happen so early in my life.
As I stood there... the thought came to me... that even though his headstone is BEAUTIFUL and perfect... I wished there was some sort of plaque expressing the greatness of the man that was buried here.
But no. Just simple and plain.
Nothing extraordinary... even though he was.
There has been much sadness surrounding this holiday.
Worry about baby Liam Wampler.
My Dad's Aunt Vivian passing away Christmas Eve.
Lots of sickness and hospital stays.
Our first Christmas without Dad
But.... with all of the sad...
This has caused their to be more focus on the TRUE meaning of Christmas.
The Savior.
And for this... I feel humbled and grateful.
Today I am Grateful for:
Pure Grieving. The greater the heartache.. the greater I have loved.
Songs on the radio that can express some of what I can't say
Happy Children
Friends and Families love and support through mourning/grieving
Faith that I will see my Dad again one day
13 comments:
I wish I were there to give you a big hug and shoulder.
Your feelings are so raw and the sentiments that you have are so powerful.
My heart is with you so much.
Hugs my friend.
I cried for you while reading this.
Big hugs! ♥
I'm sorry Christmas was extra hard this year....and I wish I could take some of that pain from you! I don't think there has been a Christmas in the last 6 years that we haven't all cried a bit. My Grandma lived for Christmas.... it will always be her day for us now and I always feel a bit closer to her on that day! I love you lots and lots!
What a wonderful gift from your SIL! I appreciate you for expressing your feelings and being real. The holidays are hard and I can't imagine how hard it must have been for you. This I do know, that things will get better in time and there is always hope and joy in the future. Keep your chin up and know that we love you and Chad. You guys are amazing friends and we are so grateful for you. Your influence and light is bright,so keep shining on! - Suzanne
Thanks for always "keeping it real," Ann! I know your dad is so proud of you and how you choose to live your life. You are a great example to me as well. And hey, your parents were married on my birthday! :)
The first time holidays are definitely the hardest! You're still going through the grieving time. Hugs to you, my friend.
*hugs* I so understand.
I can't even imagine how hard this Christmas has been for you but I know that you have been given many tender mercies that you are aware of too and that is such a blessing.
{{Hugs}} to you my friend.
I understand. My name is on my parents headstone. It is really an odd feeling when you see it the first time. I totally understand.
Oh sweetie, I do wish I could send you a big old hug. My heart fell just a little readin' this.
God bless and I hope your heart will soon be healed. I know it's hard.
This was my second Christmas without daddy.
Ann,
I am so sorry. I wish your dad was in Russia - then maybe I would be too :) Holidays are always hard - because its a time of family and when an important family member is gone - its never quite the same. It will get better, I promise. It won't ever be the same - but it can be just as good. Love, Rachel
PS -- it is weird to see your name on a headstone! I still sometimes get weirded out when I see my name on Nathan's headstone.
What a beautiful headstone. Your post made me cry. Your dad does deserve a plaque.
Hang in there my dear friend. I love you. ((hugs))
When Dave's dad passed several years, the first time we saw the headstone was like ripping the scap off all over again. TO see his Mom's name next to it and then his and his siblings listed really got to him. Seeing Jill's for the first time was very similar. It's a raw feeling that very few truly understand. But the up side, you only have to see it for the first time ONCE, after that it will become a part of you in a good way
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