My Journey Through the Grieving Part 4

Disconnected.

For some reason... I have found it really hard to open up with people -- about how I feel with the Loss of my Dad unless they have experienced a loss as well.

It's back to that feeling of being part of a "club."

Don't get me wrong.. I know there are people born with a compassionate heart... but for the most part....people ask " How are you" as a habit.. rather than really wanting to know how you are.

And you can totally tell.

And if it's a bad day... they look like they want to run for even asking .. because what do they do or say to comfort you after???

This is an area I have "grown up" in big time since Dad's death.

I try to really ask people how they are and make time for a real answer.

A listening ear is perhaps one of the greatest blessings you can give someone going through Grief.

I was recently talking with an old friend who had just lost her Mother not long ago.. and she said " I even feel bad that my husband has to hear the same things over.... and over.. with how I feel. "

I so know that.

I know I repeat myself.  over and over.

I go to tell a friend something I have felt during this experience.. and I think " Have I shared this with them before?"  I probably have.

 I feel guilty.

A great amount of guilt.

In the last month... I have had many opportunities to be with many of my girlfriends in very happy settings.  We all get together.. and everything should feel perfect. 

So.. why doesn't it feel perfect??

I'm with people I love and adore.

We are doing happy things... so why do I feel so dis-connected???

Don't get me wrong.. I have had many happy days that are fine.
  Everything seems well.. and I have had joy and happiness surrounding me.

 But-- inevetably... there have been some very embarrassing days where I think:

 " Why are these people still around me?? I am crazy!  Sad!  Weird!

Maybe I should apologize for being so "sad... and not with it."

I think more so than ever... true friends continue to support and stick with you..even  through your darkest days.  I am learning this now more than ever.

An older Woman in my ward has helped me a great deal through this Grieving journey.

Some of her wise cousel she has shared. 

1- You can make a choice everyday whether to crawl in the black cave.. or get up and move forward.

We always have a choice.

2- Patterns in the church are very important.  When HUGE trials come your way.. including grief.. reading your scriptures.. prayer..temple attendance and daily activities can seem so hard to tackle.  Keep the patterns going.  -- As hard as it may be.

3- Grieve.  Let it pass through you.

You can't go over it.. under it.. or around it. 

She told me.. if you push it aside.. it will come back one day.. and you will have to deal with it then.

It's better to just accept it.. let it pass through you.. and embrace it.

4- Losing a loved one ( especially a spouse ) is much like having your legs amputated.

You know you have to adjust to your new life and circumstances and move on.. but it feels as though 1/2 of your body is truly missing.

5- Try to find joy and be Thankful..Be  Grateful everyday.
  Even if it's the smallest things.

In the past..I never have had a hard time finding things to be Grateful for.

In fact... I sometimes felt as though my heart could literally  *burst* because I feel so much gratitude -- for so much in my life.

But during the severe times of grief in the past weeks... it was all I could do to think of 5 things at the end of each blog post that I could feel "thankful" for.

Yes.... the pattern of expressing Gratitude has helped me abundantly.

A few weeks ago.., Chad left for the Deer Hunt.. and I usually go down south to be with one of my Best friends Monica during that time.

  I have always LOVED this time.. to be with her.. and explore her little town.

This year.. things were planned.. and I just couldn't bring myself to go there.  I knew how I would be.. so I checked out completely... and stayed home to wallow in my feelings.

Things I did Deer Hunt Weekend....

I turned on "Drive" by the cars and listened to it 30 or 40 times.
 I have been known to do that when life just seems diffficult.
 Finding a "deep and meaningful" song.. and playing it over and over...

I read an entire book on Grieving.  Twice even.

Seriously.. changed my life.  I will share about it later.

I talked with an old friend who is grieving also.  It was theraputic.

I cleaned.. I organized... I de-cluttered my house... and my life.

I went to Stake/Regional Conference.

And perhaps.. that was the reason I was supposed to stay home for the weekend. 

Just to hear Elder Bednar tell ME some profound things.

I was weepy through his whole talk.

Some of the things I learned from the Conference..

1-  The Atonement is not just for our sins.. it is also for our pain.

2-  Serve others.  Even when their trials may be less than ours.

3-  Be more Christ like.  Study and learn the Character of Christ.

That weekend home.. reading... sorting.. learning ended up becoming very theraputic for me.

Sometimes.. you've gotta just check out.

" Being human, we would expel from our lives physical pain and mental anguish and assure ourselves of continual ease and comfort, but if we were to close the doors upon sorrow and distress, we might be excluding our greatest friends and benefactors.  Suffering can make saints of people as they learn patience, long suffering, and self mastery. " 

 ~ Spencer W. Kimball

Today I am Grateful for:

Patterns.

Warmth.

Goals.

Fuzzy slippers.

Peppermint Hot Chocolate